O.M.G.

I have been away for a few days as I travelled home and settled into my nest....or as my DH and I like to call it, 'our shoebox.' lol  (We live in this tiny condo for the moment as neither of us are ever home. Our plan is to get pregnant and buy our home this summer or fall).

The big news today is that my period showed up and I am scheduled for my first ultrasound and bloodwork testing tomorrow morning!!! If everything goes according to plan I will be starting my injections tomorrow night.....so fingers crossed that it goes smoothly!

I went and picked up my medication yesterday, I am going to be on 225IU/vol of Menopur, which I'm told makes me a very 'cheap drunk' according to my RE. he he. I'm a little nervous about doing the mixing of the meds and I have no idea how I am going to feel about giving myself a needle in the stomach?! It should be quite the challenge...but my mindset is to embrace it all and just be happy that science allows me to do all of these crazy things in order to pro-create.  And on the upside at least it's not bathing suit season so I don't have to try and hide my 'track marked stomach.'

I honestly just can't believe that it's finally happening, it seems so surreal to me that in a couple of weeks I could have baby/ies growing inside me. OMG

So my plan is to spend tonight with my DH and have my 'last' glass of wine for the next year (yes - positive thinking) and pray my little heart out that this process runs smoothly.

FINGERS CROSSED!!!!!

What-If?

The inspiration from today's post comes to me from this amazing group of ladies that I am so fortunate to be a part of. It's a group of ladies that have either been through and/or are going through the the IVF process. They, as well as other ladies on the site, have been my outlet and support group through my entire TTC process, and without them I wouldn't be where I am today. So thank you ladies! (I would mention your names but I am sure you want your annonymity)

What-If?

This is the voice in my head that is constantly nagging away. I envision this little red devil sitting on my left shoulder continuously yelling these so called 'What-If profanities' in my ear.

"What-if the stimming doesn't work?"
"What-if you get lots of eggs but none of them fertilize?"
"What-if your egg quality is terrible?"
"What-if they fertilize and your lining sucks?"
"What-if they don't stick and there are no eggs to freeze?"

And honestly the list is never ending. These questions cause stress, the stress that is supposed to be avoided at all right now. This in turn causes more "what-if's?", and now this has escalated so bad that at this point the 'devil' has me convinced I'm going to end up barren, divorced, broke and miserable for the rest of my life. Ugh.

As long time TTCers we tend to focus so much time and energy on getting pregnant, and sometimes this is completely unavoidable.  The hours spent in the doctors office waiting for ultrasounds, blood work, medications etc and the dreaded tww in which we (or at least I do) count down the minutes to a potential BFP. It's in this time that the day dreaming happens or the 'daymares' as I like to call them in which the sneaky little S.O.B. works his way onto your shoulder and never shuts up.

The aforementioned is how some days end up. One small question turns into a giant avalanche with me laying dead underneath an entire mountain of snow.

The trick is to squash the little bastard before he completly takes over. The mind is a very powerful thing and if he asks you, "what-if the stimming doesn't work?" You tell him to sit the eff down, shut up and move on. This is my trick anyways.....I have a little party in my head to celebrate my victory and continue on with my day.

Mind, Body and Soul

 

                                                     

 

You know that feeling that you get the night before your wedding? Your body is this mass of energy – okay, okay I know it always is – but your stomach is full of nerves and excitement and your brain is going a million miles a minute: making sure you remember your vows, and realizing that everyone will be staring at YOU for once. Knowing that you are going to spend the rest of your life with ONE person! OMG….

This is how I feel today.  I feel like I am embarking on this life changing journey, that tomorrow when I wake up everything is going to change. This all may sound a bit over dramatic being that a) all I am doing tomorrow is starting Estrace and b) I am still a month away from only potentially being pregnant. However, as of tomorrow I am viewing my body as a vessel that will hold the most precious gift that I could ever ask for so I am going to do EVERYTHING in my power to ensure that it’s as healthy as I can make it. 

When I first started TTC I didn’t really think too much about my body or my health – Phase I. I just knew that when I got pregnant I wouldn’t drink, smoke and I would try to each as healthy as I could, anything that happened before conception was fair game.  And I would say that this behaviour is probably the norm.

 A year into my journey I decided that maybe it was the way I was treating my body that we weren’t pregnant yet – Phase II. So on my 30^th birthday I made it my mission to get healthy. I lost 40 pounds I cut my drinking down substantially, I ate a million times better and started watching my caffeine intake and I quit smoking (except for the occasional one). I had decided that I didn’t want to put my life completely on hold because the journey could take quite a while and I still needed to live life.

 I am now past that point – Phase III.  I would consider myself a pretty healthy person but I still have some vices and in order for me to be completely at peace with this process I need to get rid of those vices.  I have spent 2.5 years ttc without success and now we are counting on science and a large sum of money to make our dreams come true so no matter what the outcome is I want to know that I put everything I have into it.

So tomorrow I start Estrace for 7 days or until I get my period (whichever comes first). When AF arrives I will be calling the Dr’s office and booking my first ultrasound for 3 days later to see how everything looks and it will be then that I start my injections.

 On Friday March 22, I am heading home from work on a leave and I am going to focus on my mind body and soul and I am hoping that by doing this that it will increase my chances of getting my long awaited bundle of joy.

For those of you out there reading this may you join me in a prayer to help me be the best version of me that I can be so that my family can grow from two to three (or maybe four…hehe).

 

The Tough Parts

Over the past 2.5 years I have had both good and bad days.  I remember when I first started trying to conceive I would post on the two week wait board typing my frustrations after what I thought was the loooooongest wait with no baby – 4 months. Hahahahahaha I would post all of my so-called symptoms and ask people if they thought it was ‘my time?’ If my symptoms sounded promising or if my chart looked good and I would spend hours reading peoples BFP stories and comparing my charts with other BFPers.  I did this only to realize months later that the reason I had all these symptoms was because for the first time in my life I was actually paying attention to my body. And once I started documenting my body’s routine symptoms it became quite clear that I was not in fact having any symptoms and sometimes I was even creating things and almost willing my body to feel a certain way.  I ended up becoming a POAS (pee on a stick) addict.  I swear every month I would think I was preggers and I would pee on a stick, and no word of a lie, within the hour the dreaded Aunt Flo would present her ugly little head. 

I remember times when I would get so upset that people weren’t responding to my posts. I would write something like, “I have been trying to get pregnant for 2 months now and it’s ruining my life that I haven’t got a BFP yet I don’t know how many more times I can make it through this two week wait.” I look back at these and have to laugh. Making a baby is a miracle and if I were to hazard a guess I would say that the majority of people do not conceive in their first couple of months. So many things have to happen perfectly and I think that someone out there should really tell us this – I know that technically we all know this but maybe a friendly reminder might be in order.

The next thing that people should  tell you when venturing on this long journey is that there will be people in your life, family, friends or even acquaintances,  that will say things to you that make you want to punch them square in the face. They think they are helping you or giving you good advice but really they are adding fuel to the B-L-A-Z-I-N-G fire. Here are some of the comments that I have endured along the way:

1. Don’t worry it will happen for you, you just need to stop stressing.

      As you know I am a ‘planner’ and when things aren’t working out it stresses me out so this would be like telling a starving person not to think about food. Virtually Impossible

 

2. So when you are guys going to have kids? Kids truly are the greatest gift a person could ask for.

Now I know sometimes it’s not their fault as they have no idea, but over the years I have learned to never ask this question as you have no idea what a person might be going through.  I had a friend who was going through problems and her response to people was that they loved their kids free lives. Lol  Some of the looks she got was priceless. But for me I just tirelessly answer that we will, one day soon.

 

3. Why don’t you just adopt?

I have absolutely nothing against adoption and who knows I might be at that point one day but after I pour my heart out to you about starting IVF and how excited I am why in the hell would you say that. And when I tell you that we want biological children, for God’s sake please don’t continue to talk me out of my decision.

 

So when attending family reunions or baby showers please prepare yourself to be bombarded with questions about why you have no children, maybe even come up with some witty comments so that maybe next time they might actually think before they speak, as that seems to be a lost art these days. 

 

The waiting and obsessing and the comments from other are tough some days, but the hardest part for me is watching my friends and family have babies. It’s really tough for me to watch their perfect little families grow while I wait on the sidelines. I am a strong woman with a very optimistic attitude given the circumstances (and have been told this by my friends) but babies seem to be the main topic of conversation everywhere I go.  My close friends are amazing and make an effort to change up the conversation to include me but we are all human and sometimes it’s just too much to take in. Having said that I don’t want them not to include me for fear that I have a breakdown , because I care about them and their kids and I want to be a part of their lives but sometimes I just can’t do it. Sometimes I don’t want to do it. And I have learned that it’s okay to feel those things.

In the end I have learned that we are all human. That it is okay to be emotional, that sometimes people think before they speak (myself included) and sometimes we are very naïve. At the end of the day, if I have my husband , my friends and family by my side and their support, that I don’t have too much to complain about.  I have learned to take one day at a time and to really enjoy each day that I am given as each day I wake up with these things I know that I am blessed.

The Follow Up

Our first appointment with the IF was on December 11, 2012 it was then that he told us about my husband’s poor count and sent us both for testing.  We then scheduled a follow up appointment for Feb 26, 2013 to discuss the results from all of our tests and to follow up on the surgery DH (dear husband) was supposed to have. In this 3 month period I had and HSG which showed no blockages and I had heard absolute horror stories about how much pain this could cause but I honestly didn’t feel a thing! (Let’s hope childbirth is the same… haha). I also had an SIS – Saline Infusion Sonogram, this test was to prep me for IVF as well as some standard blood work. 

Both my DH and I attended the follow up appointment, we learned that both of our hormone tests came back normal and that I had a total of 9 eggs on my left and 16 on my right and my lining and uterus looked great. – FINALLY GOOD NEWS! Oh but wait the bad news is coming…

The doctor thought it was odd that the urologist hadn’t called us yet as the letter had been sent in almost 3 months prior so he told me that they were following up on that. I then asked him how long after surgery would we be able to get started on things? To which he replied, ‘6 months’ – I says PARDON?!?!?!?!? 6 months after surgery? 

Wow – so I do a little quick math in my head: probably a couple months until we get the consult appointment and then another couple before the surgery, we're looking at a minimum of a year before we can even think about getting pregnant…..and the tears started.  I would be almost 33 at that point and that’s if it worked on the first try.

Once the water works started I asked if it was possible to hold off on the surgery and just go ahead with IVF? His comments weren’t exactly what I wanted to hear. He’s a very funny man and was trying to lighten up my mood and told me that if I wanted to pay his mortgage off quicker we could go ahead with the surgery.  This statement was comforting and completely disheartening; comforting knowing that he’s not just trying to make money and market IVF but on the other side I couldn’t imagine having to wait ANOTHER YEAR to move forward.  Needless to say we had some lengthy discussions and he told us that the chances would be better if we had the surgery but that it could still work with IVF and ICSI. I just looked at my DH and let him make the decision – he knew what I wanted but this process is hard enough as it is and the last thing I wanted to do was force him into something. Being the amazing man that he is told the doc that we wanted to move forward and that waiting just wasn’t an option for us. 

My next concern was the timeline to get IVF started but to my surprise there was no wait.  He told me to call on cycle day 1 and we would get the ball rolling  - which turned out to be only 3 days later.

I left the office feeling like a giant weight had been lifted; I was so excited that we had a PLAN. And ironically enough later that day the urologist called to book his consult (May 13) which made me even happier about my decision to move forward as May was months away (and that was only for the consult) and if everything went perfect I would already be pregnant.

Strong Enough

Well we made the decision to go ahead with IVF, and with my A type personality it has become my new obsession. Research: this is what I am good at, find the facts, know the info and determine the best path.  I am a planner by nature, I like knowing things in advance and formulating a plan but my husband, well he is what you call the POLAR OPPOSITE of me. Lol Having been with him for 8 years has taught me that sometimes life doesn’t always go as ‘planned’ and that sometimes it’s okay to fly by the seat of your pants. 

Needless to say that this has helped immensely in the process because I researched, I found the facts knew the info and followed the rules. I lost 40 lbs, quit smoking, drank less and ate healthier and yet my ‘plan’ failed.  This has been a very hard pill to swallow for me especially watching the oopsie pregnancies that have occurred to people around me. BUT thanks to my husband’s relentless efforts to make me more mellow I have accepted ‘The Climb.’

“You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it.” Unknown

These are words that I have chosen to live by going forward.  I know this part of the journey is going to be anything but easy. However, I am lucky enough that I swear that I have the world’s most amazing friends and family. And although I don’t always see eye to eye with my hubby’s point of view I am thankful that he see’s things from a different perspective as it’s helped me grow into a better person, and if nothing else he can ALWAYS make me laugh.

This post is for those days when I’m an emotional basket case and wondering why me?? When I’m tired, angry, crying, depressed, stressed and deflated I will come back here and remember that I am strong enough – and for those of you who are reading this that are going through this journey, remember that you too are strong enough.

Our Story

 

 

My husband and I were married in October of 2010, I had stopped taking the pill in September of that year in order to get my body prepped for baby making.  After six months of baby dancing I decided I should probably start taking things a little more seriously as we hadn’t conceived.  I started researching online to learn more about the process and things I could do to increase our chances. I took prenatal’s, started temp tracking, checking cervical mucous and joined a couple of websites to share my excitement and disappointment with others out there. After another six unsuccessful months went by I started getting concerned and talked to my GP, she informed me that we had to have some standard tests completed in order to get referred to a specialist. I, of course, had them done the next day but my dear husband was petrified to give a sperm sample. Needless to say it took him about 5 months to complete this mundane task and his worst fears started coming true, the doctor told him that he had a varicose vein and referred him to a urologist to make sure that it wasn’t harming anything.  The GP told me that his sperm count came back on the low side of normal and that the specialist would give a better explanation and sent our referral letter off to the Infertility Specialist.  Well, my DH went to the urologist who informed him that there was no sense in removing the vein because it wasn’t really going to improve anything. Seven long months later we had our appointment with the IF (Infertility specialist) and he said and I quote, “my heart hurts that the doctor told you that you didn’t need surgery. You’ve just wasted 7 months and the only way I can get you pregnant with this sperm count is IVF.”

WOW!!!

I looked at DH and we both were speechless.  So we made it through the rest of the meeting, the doctor had DH give another sperm sample and gave us both blood work to complete, he also gave me papers to complete an HSG and an SIS which is in preparation for In Vitro. Needless to say his sample came back with low sperm count but good motility and morphology but his hormones were normal. My tests came back all normal and the IF told us at our follow up appointment that after DH's surgery we would have to wait another 6 months before moving forward and to top things off we hadn't even heard from the Urologist for the initial consult. Needless to say I didn't hold it together very well and we have decided to go ahead with IVF with ICSI.