The Tough Parts

Over the past 2.5 years I have had both good and bad days.  I remember when I first started trying to conceive I would post on the two week wait board typing my frustrations after what I thought was the loooooongest wait with no baby – 4 months. Hahahahahaha I would post all of my so-called symptoms and ask people if they thought it was ‘my time?’ If my symptoms sounded promising or if my chart looked good and I would spend hours reading peoples BFP stories and comparing my charts with other BFPers.  I did this only to realize months later that the reason I had all these symptoms was because for the first time in my life I was actually paying attention to my body. And once I started documenting my body’s routine symptoms it became quite clear that I was not in fact having any symptoms and sometimes I was even creating things and almost willing my body to feel a certain way.  I ended up becoming a POAS (pee on a stick) addict.  I swear every month I would think I was preggers and I would pee on a stick, and no word of a lie, within the hour the dreaded Aunt Flo would present her ugly little head. 

I remember times when I would get so upset that people weren’t responding to my posts. I would write something like, “I have been trying to get pregnant for 2 months now and it’s ruining my life that I haven’t got a BFP yet I don’t know how many more times I can make it through this two week wait.” I look back at these and have to laugh. Making a baby is a miracle and if I were to hazard a guess I would say that the majority of people do not conceive in their first couple of months. So many things have to happen perfectly and I think that someone out there should really tell us this – I know that technically we all know this but maybe a friendly reminder might be in order.

The next thing that people should  tell you when venturing on this long journey is that there will be people in your life, family, friends or even acquaintances,  that will say things to you that make you want to punch them square in the face. They think they are helping you or giving you good advice but really they are adding fuel to the B-L-A-Z-I-N-G fire. Here are some of the comments that I have endured along the way:

1. Don’t worry it will happen for you, you just need to stop stressing.

      As you know I am a ‘planner’ and when things aren’t working out it stresses me out so this would be like telling a starving person not to think about food. Virtually Impossible

 

2. So when you are guys going to have kids? Kids truly are the greatest gift a person could ask for.

Now I know sometimes it’s not their fault as they have no idea, but over the years I have learned to never ask this question as you have no idea what a person might be going through.  I had a friend who was going through problems and her response to people was that they loved their kids free lives. Lol  Some of the looks she got was priceless. But for me I just tirelessly answer that we will, one day soon.

 

3. Why don’t you just adopt?

I have absolutely nothing against adoption and who knows I might be at that point one day but after I pour my heart out to you about starting IVF and how excited I am why in the hell would you say that. And when I tell you that we want biological children, for God’s sake please don’t continue to talk me out of my decision.

 

So when attending family reunions or baby showers please prepare yourself to be bombarded with questions about why you have no children, maybe even come up with some witty comments so that maybe next time they might actually think before they speak, as that seems to be a lost art these days. 

 

The waiting and obsessing and the comments from other are tough some days, but the hardest part for me is watching my friends and family have babies. It’s really tough for me to watch their perfect little families grow while I wait on the sidelines. I am a strong woman with a very optimistic attitude given the circumstances (and have been told this by my friends) but babies seem to be the main topic of conversation everywhere I go.  My close friends are amazing and make an effort to change up the conversation to include me but we are all human and sometimes it’s just too much to take in. Having said that I don’t want them not to include me for fear that I have a breakdown , because I care about them and their kids and I want to be a part of their lives but sometimes I just can’t do it. Sometimes I don’t want to do it. And I have learned that it’s okay to feel those things.

In the end I have learned that we are all human. That it is okay to be emotional, that sometimes people think before they speak (myself included) and sometimes we are very naïve. At the end of the day, if I have my husband , my friends and family by my side and their support, that I don’t have too much to complain about.  I have learned to take one day at a time and to really enjoy each day that I am given as each day I wake up with these things I know that I am blessed.